Les Miserables, written by me
by RainWillMakeTheFlowersGrow
Summary: Yep! She's doing ANOTHER Les Mis spoof! This one, though...is BOOK BASED, MWAHAHAHAHA. Featuring Hugo Tangents[tm], Pocketjolras, Tinyferre, Javerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt, Jean Valjean (who has no pronouns), Wimpy Marius (who loves Napoleon) , Mean Girl Cosette, and other scary things such as cheese and Waterloo. Yes, you should be scared. VERY scared. But get ready to laugh, i think.
1. Chapter 1

**I…don't actually know why I'm doing another spoof. They're just so fun, guys. And by the way, I used zero pronouns for Jean Valjean's name, because Jean Valjean's name is just so fun to type/speak/spell/crack jokes about. However, Jean Valjean ****_does_**** go by aliases such as the Decrepit Figure, Monsieur le Maire, Crazy Old Fauchelevent, and Madeline. And I'm making this ****_different_**** from the Improv Version by Moi! This one is ****_book-based_****, featuring Hugo Tangents™! And also Pocketjolras. Don't know who Pocketjolras is? READ AND FIND OUT, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. And Tinyferre. Pocketjolras and Tinyferre. So yeah. I'm sorry to do this to you…again. But seriously, Pocketjolras and Tinyferre are awesome! And also Enjolras (not Pocketjolras) says "please help me I don't want to read this" to Combeferre (not Tinyferre), but sadly HE HAS NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER. Poor revolutionary leader…he really ****_is_**** tired of my making jokes about Ramin Noodles (GEDDIT? GEDDIT? ENJOLRAS? RAMIN KARIMLOO? RAMEN NOODLES? RAMIN NOODLES?) So yeah. Also featuring Cosette the Mean Girl, Wimpy Marius, and Javerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt. **

**-Marseillaise Who Is Taking A Break From Angst To Relieve Her Tear Ducts**

Disclaimer: Victor Hugo is in my closet. (Don't ask. Enjolras, Jean Prouvaire, and Sydney Carton are in there too.) So I'm not him. Or anyone else other that Marseillaise, alias Monsieur Jacques Lefebvre, chevalier de les crêpes du chêne, alias [no, I'm not telling you my real name. Sorry.], alias the Constipated Leprechaun (which is an extremely long story involving waaaaaay too much candy and also an Irish accent that only Om will get), alias….You know, this really isn't helping me prove a point at all. I'm not a dead French guy. I'm an alive (hopefully…) American girl. Yeah. *le Tom Petty starts playing* _She was…an American girl…_ No, totally don't have that on my iPod. Well yes I do. So shoot me. JK JK JK DON'T SHOOT ME. Unless it's like, barricade era and I'm on a barricade with Les Amis. And you're a National Guardsman of France. Then you may have a point. But…I'm going off on tangents again. On to the story.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away….JK WRONG STORY.

Once upon a time, there was a bishop. He was a very nice guy. Like, I mean, he was SUPER AMAZINGLY NICE. Really. I'M TELLIN' YOU GUYS, HE WAS SPECTACULAR. And French. And named M. Myriel. And he also had lots of very interesting cheeses, but _that_ Hugo-tangent™ is later! Firstly, we must tell you how awesome this guy is.

For instance, one time, he went to the Olympics and won the gymnastics gold medal for France and also the 200 meter dash silver medal for France. He also ran marathons. And threw javelins. And then, he went to Nice, where it is nice, and got a tan. And then…Sorry, that was a lie. He avoided Nice at all costs because one time a seagull pooped on his head. But he _was_ a good guy. He went around being kind and goodly and honorable and candlesticky. He also got this silver, but Dear Vicky won't tell me how, so I am forced to draw my conclusions from the large amount of Incredibly Accurate information I happen to know.

So M. Myriel was walking on his daily walk, when All of a Sudden, a fiacre flew by and snatched this pretty foreign princess that happened to be wandering in the French countryside. Being a noble man, and also very fit from his time at the Olympics, he immediately raced after said fiacre. As they passed through Avignon, the fiacre started to pull ahead. But M. Myriel was not defeated just yet! As they rounded a bend, he quickly grabbed a tree branch. Throwing it like a javelin, he managed to hit the wheel of the fiacre and it stopped!

Out came a man dressed in cowboy boots, a plaid shirt, polka-dot pants, and a bandana. He also had a gun.

"My friend, please let the lady go!" cried the bishop heroically.

"No!" growled the gunslinger.

"May I ask why?"

"Because," said the fearsome looking man with no fashion sense, "she-she made fun of my polka-dotted pants!"

The bishop knew at this point that he had to tread carefully, lest he accidentally criticize them as well. "I-er-um-_love _your pants, though!" he said.

"Really?!"

"Um…Yes!"

The other man threw down his gun and started smiling. "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me! Here, have these candlesticks I happen to have. They're vintage."

"Ooh, cool. Thanks!"

"Any day. Keep in touch, okay? I live in Texas."

"Um…I live in Digne." _And that's very far from Texas…_

"Digging? What?"

"Not digging, _Digne,"_ said the exasperated bishop.

"Whatever! Cheerio!"

"Au revoir!" called the bishop. Then-"WAIT! WHAT ABOUT THAT DAMSEL IN DISTRESS?"

"She insulted my pants! SHE DESERVES TO DIE."

"Um..."

"Ask her! Foreign princess lady, speak!"

"Jed etest ayvot repanta lon!"

"SEE? She just said, 'je détesté votre pantalon! I hate your pants!'"

But the bishop was well versed in Ancient Weird Languages. "No," he said, "that's just Brotessian for 'My father can sue you for this!'"

"Oh…Sorry, foreign princess lady! You may go!"

"Yoos uck," replied the lady.

"DID SHE JUST SAY I SUCK?"

"NO! She said thank you."

"Okay."

After this, the bishop was feeling very good about himself. He went home, and did stuff. (good stuff.)


	2. Chapter 2

Yus. I'm back with more, the very next day. :)

*MEANWHILE*…

"I didn't do it! I didn't do it! I'm going to sue you!"

"You can't sue, you have no rights. And this isn't America it's France. And you were caught red handed, 24601. Come. On. I mean, come up with a better story than 'green aliens came down in their spaceships and forced me to carry the bread while they vandalized innocent bakers'. That's just…weird. And impossible. And people_ saw_ you."

"Who's Twofoursixohone? I'm Super ValSuperman!"

"…FIVE YEARS AT TOULON FOR YOUR INSOLENCE. TAKE HIM OUT OF MY SIGHT."

"Come on, Javert! You know it's a cool name and you're just jealous."

"I'M JAVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT, YOU…YOU…YOU…YOU…BREAD THIEF!"

Javerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt then proceeded to go mad. As in, insane. First, he started eating way too much red meat. Then, he started eating paper, which was worse. _Then_, he started getting bizarre urges to throw knives at pictures of the convicts. This caused for some accidental knife-throwing at real people, because Javert was nearsighted but didn't want glasses because they would mess up his foot-long sideburns. But he has Allstate, which protects against mayhem (like me), so it's okay! Some of the convicts even managed to eat liquids again.

But that all was a flashback. Now, we see a Decrepit Figure walking through Digne. He is hunched over, covered in rags, and altogether wretched looking. Suddenly, he howls, "oh, woe is me!"

This provokes small children to throw rocks at the Decrepit Figure.

The Decrepit Figure went to an inn. The innkeeper sends one of the small children off to The Mayor, who comes back, tells them that the Decrepit Figure was actually Jean Valjean the Bread Thief, and then the innkeeper is scuuured. So scuuured, in fact that he sends Jean Valjean away so that he won't see that the innkeeper wet his pants.

Jean Valjean also scared a peasant woman and her humble family. Jean Valjean was ugly.

Jean Valjean tried to sleep in a doghouse, but the dog was like "bro, no," and chased Jean Valjean away.

Jean Valjean tried to sleep in jail, but Jean Valjean had to get arrested first. So, Jean Valjean decided that public nudity would be the obvious solution. One, Jean Valjean would get arrested, two, a place to sleep, and three, Jean Valjean could finally get rid of that horrid orange shawl that was so discolored that it looked like cat vomit!

Jean Valjean didn't succeed. Jean Valjean's shorts were too tight, and I'm not going into any more detail.

Jean Valjean threw a little temper tantrum right then and there. An old woman found Jean Valjean sulking in a corner, and she told Jean Valjean to go ask at the bishop's door. Jean Valjean did so.

The bishop opened the door and welcomed Jean Valjean in. Then, of course, we meet another Hugo Tangent™! About cheeses. But I have a much more interesting cheese tangent, mes amis!

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of Number four, Privet Drive, were very proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. Uhm…sorry, wrong story.

The bishop, smiling, bode Jean Valjean sit down and have some wine and cheese. The cheese was very old cheese, from around the second century BC, around the time there was a hurricane in the Atlantic Ocean, off the coast of Africa. Well, I mean first of course it was a tropical depression, which means that there were some really sad people in the tropics, then there was a tropical storm, which means that a large angry mob of people ran up to the tropics from Antarctica (and that's why no people live there today), and _then_ it was a hurricane. They named the hurricane Edouard, but then changed the name to Dan, and then Joe. _So_, just to give you a frame of reference, that was when the cheese was made. The milk came from a very nice cow named Bessie-san.

The cheese had endured long winters, hot summers, and springs where the only flowers were the red flowers of blood created when an arrow makes its target. It also survived the fall of the Roman Empire, and the fall of the Anonymous Never Before Mentioned Huge Pyramid, and lots of other falls. And autumns. The cheese was wise, having once been confined to a library shortly before the fall of the Roman Empire, and having nothing to do, it decided it would like to better its mind.

This got the books all cheesy.

Then, the cheese came into the care of a Very Old Hoarder, who passed it down for generations and generations. The cheese knew secrets, valuable secrets.

Like one time, in the Reign of Terror, Robespierre almost ate the cheese! But then, he was called out on urgent business and the cheese was snuck out to England.

But, this made the cheese an illegal emigrant, and so the cheese was almost guillotined! Luckily, the guillotine broke and the cheese was able to make a quick getaway. The fiacre on which he was hitching a ride on, however, suddenly made a sharp turn and the cheese was flung into a garden! Fortunately it was the bishop's garden, and the bishop took the cheese with him when he won the gold medal in gymnastics. The cheese then became a fond possession of the bishop's, so it was quite a statement that the bishop was willing to eat the cheese with Jean Valjean.

Jean Valjean, not even caring about the long and incredibly interesting history of Jean Valjean's meal, shoveled the food into Jean Valjean's mouth.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN…

An hour later, Jean Valjean was tossing and turning in Jean Valjean's bed. That was because Jean Valjean was so unused to actual beds that Jean Valjean couldn't sleep! Like, oh my Robespierre, this was horrible. Poor Jean Valjean.

So naturally, Jean Valjean decided to look for a midnight snack. Food always helped Jean Valjean go back to sleep, especially if the food happened to be chocolate-and-peanut-butter (Chill. It is not Jean Prouvaire, he's in my closet.) fudge!

But, as Jean Valjean was trying to find the kitchen, Jean Valjean ran across the silver cabinet. Being a Bread Thief at heart, Jean Valjean just couldn't resist the alluring looks of the shiny silver. Quickly, Jean Valjean grabbed it, thrust it into Jean Valjean's horrid orange shawl that Jean Valjean had made into a bag, and ran off! Into the night!

Jean Valjean didn't get very far.

Pretty soon, some police saw a Decrepit Figure dashing away from an unassuming bishop's home, clutching a mysteriously hideous orange shawl and also some shiny silver plates. Well, the police were SMART. And beyond that, they needed to arrest more people so that their track record would be 'diligent'. So, they decided, why not harass this guy?

Jean Valjean was thrust back to the bishop's home, clutching the shiny silver.

But the bishop was kind and good. He even gave Jean Valjean his candlesticks! And then he set Jean Valjean free.

BUT. Jean Valjean was still a Bread Thief at heart. So when Jean Valjean came across a little child chimney sweep, named Petit Gervais, _of course_ Jean Valjean had to steal more shiny objects like 40-sou pieces. Well, only one. But it was Petit Gervais' only one! I mean, that's two francs, and to a little kid? That's a lot of money. So, extremely long story shortened? Jean Valjean basically mugged this ten-year-old for what amounted to about five bucks.

Jean Valjean was feeling good, for Jean Valjean was still a Bread Thief at heart, but then, Jean Valjean started to feel guilty. Jean Valjean went to Montreuil-sur-mer, where Jean Valjean burned the forty-sou piece and put up his shiny silver. But then Jean Valjean still was guilty so Jean Valjean sold most of the shiny silver.


	3. Chapter 3

**So yeah. I'm back. You should probably be scared, just fyi. More scary things coming up. Yep.**

**-Marseillaise**

At the same time, there were four pretty young women named Favourite, Joséphine (who went by Zéphine), Dahlia, and Fantine. They all had admirers: Favourite had Blachevelle, Zéphine had Fameuil, Dahlia had Listolier, and Fantine had Tholomyès. They were all very nice, I'm sure, and went on big group dates and went out to see…I dunno, minstrels (like in Monty Python. "They were forced to eat Sir Robyn's minstrels to live. There was much rejoicing." And then in the background you hear this collective "Yay" from all the other knights. Yeah. LOL.) or something. So anyway, the girls wanted a surprise! And Tholomyès, ever the evil gentleman, gave them one. It was…*cue dramatic music* THEY WERE ABANDONING THEIR LADIES. People, if you are reading this, don't do that. Otherwise you will have the case of Fantine the Dying Prostitute. But that's much later. For now, it is 1817.( _Brave Sir Robyn is running away, hooray, for Brave Sir Robyn…)_

But alas, poor Fantine was actually pregnant. So, she was forced to move away, away to Montreuil-sur-mer, where she saw a lady with two little kids playing in the yard. So, obviously, she gave her own little Euphrasie to the evil Madame Thénardier. Le sigh.

Madame Thénardier and her little girls, Éponine and Azalea (sorry, _Azelma_, not a pretty flowering bush), were horrible to Euphrasie! They even gave her a _nickname_, of all atrocities. Cosette. Ew, what a horrid name! Anyway, Madame Thénardier wasn't much in the beauty department, either. She was fat and had a beard, according to Hugo. Makes Bellatrix seem kinda beautiful, non?

So anyway, while this was happening, there is a relatively short Hugo Tangent™ on French jet, which basically says that it's glass. I could have told you _that_. But anyway, we meet Monsieur le Maire now!

Monsieur le Maire was a very nice man. Monsieur le Maire gave out lots of alms, and had shiny silver in his room. Monsieur le Maire was also the mayor. So, one day, Monsieur le Maire was going about his business, when all of a sudden, this guy named Fauchelevent fell under his cart. Now, Fauchelevent was one of the few people who disliked Monsieur le Maire, so everyone was surprised when Monsieur le Maire helped the chappie out.

But Javerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt saw, and thought things looked a bit sketchy.


	4. Chapter 4

**YAY MORE OF THE SPOOF!**

**I have an extra long chapter (for this story) for ya.**

**-Marseillaise **

Meanwhile, Fantine was having a tough but livable life. As in, she worked from dawn till dust at a position she wasn't very good at, in one of Monsieur le Maire's factories. Her boss, a fair but not-terribly-bright-or-kind lady, soon realized that they were going to have to lay off some workers. Well, since Fantine wasn't very good, the obvious choice was her! Duh.

Fantine now has no job.

After lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of job searching, she sells her hair. Then her two front teeth. Then she becomes a prostitute, sadly.

Monsieur le Maire felt it was Monsieur le Maire's duty to do things like waltz in on court cases. So, when Javerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt brought in Fantine for beating up this guy named Batamabois (who is like, horrid. I hate his guts.), Monsieur le Maire stepped in and offered her hospital use!

Which she took, of course, all the while pleading for her Cosette.

Monsieur le Maire promised Monsieur le Maire would bring Cosette. Monsieur le Maire did not.

Just then, Javerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt came in and scared Fantine so badly that she died! Literally! And then, he carted Monsieur le Maire off, revealing his true identity as Jean Valjean, Bread Thief at heart! But Jean Valjean wasn't a Bread Thief at heart anymore! Jean Valjean had CHANGED!

But Jean Valjean still got thrown in jail, this time as 9,430. Oh well.

But Jean Valjean escaped! And went to…dun dun duuuuuuuuuun…A CONVENT. *insert superhuge Hugo Tangent™ here*

Oh yeah. Jean Valjean got Cosette too.

And they lived in the CONVENT for lotsa' years. Wanna know about the CONVENT? You know you want to! At least, Victor Hugo thinks you do…

So, the CONVENT. The nuns there didn't brush their teeth. Because of some reason. Yeah. But, I wanna go on my OWN tangent about a convent! Because I freaking can!

Once upon a time…

Charlene was a brave young maiden who lived a long time ago. She isn't important.

There was this convent. It…uh…was a convent. A convent is a place where nuns worship and live and eat. Also they take in little girls, because they're nice. Yeah.

BUT ONE DARK AND SCARY NIGHT…

A little puppy, who was abandoned, was dropped on the front door step of the convent. One of the girls saw it, and decided to take it in, for she was nice. But, the puppy was no ordinary puppy! No, this puppy was secretly a vampire! But a good vampire. Yep. That's it for that tangent.

And so anyway, this thing happens that Jean Valjean becomes the gardener, but first Jean Valjean goes into this coffin and is buried alive. Um. For real. Yeah. Really. And lots of important things and stuff happen.

And then Cosette lives in the convent. Only unfortunate thing? They only served rice. And, on Cosette's eighteenth birthday, SHE BECAME ALLERGIC TO RICE. Precisely, she broke out in enormous green hives that oozed maple syrup. Because an evil fairy had put a curse on her!

So, Jean Valjean and Cosette left the convent. They moved to PARIS! PARIS YAY PARIS YAAAY!

BUT FIRST, THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR…WATERLOO!

So, there was this little guy named Napoleon. He ended the French Revolution and decided to start an empire. He tried to invade Russia (not a good idea, jsyk). BUT MOST MEMORABLY, WATERLOO!

But the HugoTangent™ is so booooooring. So here's my version.

There was this mushroom.

He lived peacefully in Waterloo, England.

Then there was this fight.

The mushroom tried valiantly to help! But alas, he couldn't move!

THEN, all of a sudden, this enormous person fell on the mushroom!

And the person was Marius' dad!

And then later, Thénardier stole money from the person and ended up saving his life!

And the mushroom got eaten by a horse!

And now, back to your regularly scheduled fanfiction.


	5. Chapter 5

**Yes, you should probably be frightened. In which we delve into Marius' obsession with a certain military general turned Emperor. **

**-Marseillaise**

And now, the Chronicles of Nar…Marius!

Marius was a little boy who lived with his grandfather and thought his father sucked.

Then he decided his father didn't suck (too late, like, five minutes after his father died), decided his grandfather sucked, and decided to become a poor Napoleon fanboy.

SERIOUSLY. He had this enormous poster of Napoleon above his bed and he gazed at it every night before he went to sleep. Then, he dreamed about Napoleon. He wrote Mr. Marius Pontmercy-Bonaparte on all his notebooks. (this caused for some awkward conversations when he was dating Cosette, but he eventually convinced her to *spoiler*) In fact, Marius had a tattoo that went I [HEART] NAPOLEON on his lower back. At all times, he carried cards that said, "Le Baron Marius Pontmercy (UNDER NAPOLEON OMG OMG NAPOLEON OMG OMG I LOVE HIM)".

We had Marius, recently departed from his grandfather, fill out this survey.

_What is your favorite color?_

Black. So I can always be in mourning L

_Do you support the current political system?_

NO WAY! WANNA KNOW WHY NOT? BECAUSE IT ISN'T NAPOLEON!

_Do you have many friends?_

Is my Napoleon bust a friend? I sing to it and my other Napoleon articles sometimes. MY FRIENDSSSS…

_How would you rate your present housing? _

Well, I wish to become enslaved to the guy next door, but he seems evil. And there's this creepy chick who randomly follows me. And I don't have a fireplace. So, like, a 2. Because I could have giant spiders living in my house I guess!

_If you could, what would you have done differently in your childhood?_

I would have realized my love and adoration for Napoleon earlier.

_Who has had the most significant impact on your life?_

Napoleon. And then my father. And then the creepy guy next door.

_Do you like girls?_

What the heck? Um, the only girl I know is the creepy stalker chick, and I don't want to base all my decisions off her. I suppose if I found a pretty girl in a garden I would stalk her and marry her, but not at the present. But I like Napoleon!

_Are you related to the Duke of Wellington?_

Last time I checked, I was French.

_If you could meet one person who is dead, who would it be?_

Napole-wait. Oh, man this is hard! My dad, I guess…

_Has this survey been insightful for you?_

Woah! Long word!

So, as you can see, Marius was enamored by Napoleon, possibly Goth, and sucked marrow for fun. What a lovely person!

Only problem? His grandfather did NOT like Napoleon. Like, one day over dinner Marius mentioned how dreamy Napoleon was and how ingenious he was and Marius' grandfather said, "Napoleon failed!"

Well, that ended _that_ relationship real quick. Marius started sobbing, claiming that his grandfather sucked. And then he moved out. (this was after his dad died.)

He was rather wimpy, but he did go around calling himself THE RED BARON. Um. (just kidding. He called himself Le Baron Marius Pontmercy, duh).

He was extremely socially awkward. Like, later he informs Courfeyrac "I have come to sleep with you", when he means crashing on said Courfeyrac's couch. Yeah.

He only wore black. He was possibly Goth but we will never know for sure.

He sucked on chicken bones. No, really. On the first day, he ate the meat, then on the second day he ate the fat, and on the third day he sucked the marrow. This guy needed a T-shirt that said "Marrow sucker".

He also ate eggs, depending on weather they were cheap or not. If they were cheap, he saw it as a sure sign that they were rotten. That's how he ended up wasting ten francs on an egg that he dropped when he saw someone that looked like Napoleon. It was actually a gamin, and the gamin said some rude things at Marius that made Marius yell "SWEAR JAR!" really loudly.

Marius had some weird next-door neighbors called the Jondrettes.

Marius was also obsessed with Thénardier. He needed to get more info on that guy, I tell you.

Marius wanted to be a lawyer, sooo…

He went to law school and his name almost got….BLOTTED OUT, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

But then, he got saved by L'aigle de Meux, aka Bossuet.

And then he met Courfeyrac and went to sleep with him. Like, crash on the couch in Courfeyrac's flat while Courfeyrac slept in his actual bed. Just to make that clear. And that's the end of the Chronicles of Marius.


	6. Chapter 6

In Paris, there was this group of revolutionaries called Les Amis de l'Abaissé. They were: Enjolras, Combeferre, Courfeyrac, Joly, Bossuet, Bahorel, Feuilly, and Grantaire.

Enjolras was a pretty blond who was capable of being TERRIBLE. He totally didn't sing in the shower. He was also six inches tall. (yeah, Pocket!jolras. Go check out Hamstr on Tumblr if you don't already know about him)

Combeferre was also six inches tall (Tinyferre!). He liked reading. And he had glasses.

Courfeyrac liked girls. And also the revolution.

Joly was a hypochondriac. He had a weird tendency to rub his nose on his cane.

Bossuet was unlucky, bald, and terrible at dominoes.

Bahorel liked fighting. He was good at dominoes.

Grantaire liked alcohol. And not the revolution. And he was good at dominoes and obscure mythology allusions. And he liked Enjolras.

So they met in the Musain. It was lovely. There was this map of Paris on one wall. It had a little platform so that Enjolras could make speeches.

So anyway, when Courfeyrac showed Marius in, there was a silence during which Marius felt awkward. To relieve some tension, he spoke up. "Um, hi. I'm Marius. And I like Napoleon."

"Why do you like Napoleon? He sucked!"

"Take. That. Back."

"No!"

Marius began to cry and stormed out of the meeting. PocketJolras shrugged and began to speech. Courfeyrac looked in dismay, running after Marius.

"Marius! Marius, come back!"

Marius was displeased.

He lived in this rent-a-house thing and the people next door were weird and they kidnapped an old guy. So Marius sat down and cried because people didn't like Napoleon. Then he realized he should help the old guy. So he called Javerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt, who came and gave Marius some pistols. Then, he started rapping.

"I'm Javerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt, and I'm the lawr, and y'all gotta follow it or I'll send ya ta prison OH!" Then he started beatboxing.

The Jondrettes were so horrified at the police officer's noise that they skedaddled for fear of being on the receiving end of it. Marius hurried up to be heroic and save the old man, but…the old man was GONE.

So Marius resigned himself to sobbing into his pillow.

LATER, Marius saw this pretty girl at a garden. Obviously, the way to get pretty girls is to stalk them, so that's what Marius did! It was pretty fun! He even got a chance to wear the orange ski mask Courfeyrac had given him for his birthday!

The pretty girl, who was Cosette, liked to walk in the park. She saw a stalker and was like OMG and fell in love yay.

And dancing naked baby things with weapons that had hearts on them flew around and scared the living daylights out of Marius.

And then disaster struck in the form of a handkerchief.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello! Again, I'm so sorry for my lack of updating! And about Dear Fanfiction Writers...well, that's coming next. I'll tell you all about where that's going there ;). Don't worry, it's staying! And about this...do you guys actually like this? I feel like it's kind of a waste of time because it isn't real writing or whatever, and I have like six stories going at the same time. Just...tell me? Thanks!**

**-Marseillaise**

* * *

The handkerchief said, "U.F.". Marius, being the bright mind he was, immediately thought, "her name MUST be Urlsule!"

It wasn't. But that's really beyond the point. I mean, Marius, _come on_. It could have been Ulanda, or Uglyhead, or Ulyssa, or Ursa, or Umar, or any number of the large number of names that begin with "U" that I found on the Internet. But noooooo, for Marius it just _had_ to be Ursule.

Anyways, Marius daydreamed about Ursule so much that he almost forgot to kiss Napoleon goodnight before going to bed, but he thought, "I can legally drink alcohol in twenty-first century America now, I should really grow out of that habit."

He failed, but we all have our flaws.

After this, Marius decided that stalking just wouldn't be good enough. He needed to know where the pretty young girl lived. So, he called upon his maniacal and slightly insane friend, Éponine!

"Éponine," said Marius calmly, "can you tell me where Ursule lives?"

Éponine smiled and launched into song. "UNDA DA SEA! UNDA DA SEA! DARLIN IT'S BETTER DOWN WHERE IT'S WETTER, TAKE IT FROM ME!" This caused several earthworms to die because Éponine did not in fact have the voice of an angel, unless the angel had laryngitis.

Marius writhed in pain. Hands over his ears, he shouted, "NO, ÉPONINE! NO! I MEAN IN PARIS!"

Éponine smiled. "What will ya give me?"

Marius knew just the thing. After all, what poor depraved girl with a terrible voice, hardly any teeth, and no love life at all wouldn't want money from a handsome young man above her on the social ladder?!

He reached into his pocket. "Éponine," he said slowly, "you do not eat this. You do not chuck this at people. You give it to people and they will give you something back." Then, he handed her a 5-franc piece.

She looked at it. "Monsieur," she croaked, "I used to have these, 'cept they was shinier. Your money sucks."

Marius looked at her and burst into tears. Very dramatically. Éponine threw the money to the ground. "I know yer girl, I'll find 'er, don' worry M'sieur!"

Marius decided not to question the little mad girl from District 4 gamine.

Whistling to the tune of "Merrily We Roll Along", Marius skipped down the path, almost decapitating a frog.

XXX

Suddenly, oh so suddenly, he ran out of money and couldn't stay anywhere.

"Courfeyrac," he declared, "I have come to sleep with you."

Courfeyrac looked at the young man wearing a shabby black suit that had shown up. He knew of Marius' infatuation with Napoleon, and he was on good terms with him, but this…was something else entirely.

"…What?"

"I HAVE COME TO SLEEP WITH YOU." And, putting on his best Eddie Redmayne creeper face, Marius shined a lantern under his face.

Courfeyrac blinked. "But…you have a girlfriend."

Marius looked appalled. "You…mean…you mean _that's_ what you thought I was suggesting?"

Courfeyrac nodded.

Marius looked horrified. "I'm straight! Honestly, Courfeyrac. And I have a _girlfriend_, so it should have been obvious."

Courfeyrac rolled his eyes. "It _was_, dumbhead. You're the one confusing everyone by bursting into my flat at one in the morning saying you've come to sleep with me."

Marius bumbled and muttered a few indistinct words before hurrying out the door. Courfeyrac shrugged, calling after him, "if you want, I have got a couch!"

Marius turned back slowly. "Really?"

Courfeyrac nodded.

Marius' eyes shone with unadulterated happiness and he tackle-hugged Courfeyrac. "COURFEYRAC! YOU'RE AMAZING! FOUR FOR YOU, COURFEYRAC, YOU GO COURFEYRAC!"

Courfeyrac nodded as if Marius was perhaps a bit insane. "Right. Now, let's just get you in bed, shall we? And my friend Joly can take a look at you tomorrow."

Marius nodded.

Courfeyrac guided the confused man into his flat, and onto the couch. As soon as he left for his own room, Marius got out the giant Napoleon poster he had brought and pinned it up above his bed.

"NAPOLEON? REALLY, PONTMERCY?" Marius was woken to a shrill scream. He opened his eyes to see an angry Enjolras, who was about half a foot high, glaring at him.

Marius fainted.

XXX

Éponine knew, of course, where Ursule, or Cosette's house was. She hummed to the tune of "Frère Jacques" and wandered around. After some more wandering, she went and robbed some people. This concludes the chapter thank you bye.

**Please review! It makes me so happy, and I need the inspiration to continue these! Thanks so much! :)**


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